


Onwards

by VisionaryGalaxy



Series: A Thousand Futures of Me and You [134]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Don't copy to another site, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Guilt, M/M, Protective Tony Stark
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-08 22:47:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18904213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisionaryGalaxy/pseuds/VisionaryGalaxy
Summary: "You can't keep doing this to yourself."





	Onwards

   “You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

   Stephen didn’t bother looking up from where he was standing by the bookcase, book in his hand while he flipped through it swiftly. He heard the sigh from his lover but elected to ignore it in favour of the words swimming before his eyes.

   “Stephen.”

   He kept his back to him, needing to do this, to stay focused.

   The ghost of a touch moved through his hair and Stephen shivered, still not used to the sensation as he finally threw a look toward his slumbering form on the armchair. Tony was sitting on the arm, fingers moving through his locks, while warm brown eyes stayed locked on him across the room.

   “Wong said eight hours is pushing it and we both know you lied and are on nine.”

   Stephen turned away from his lover, his concern, his irritating sympathy. He didn’t need any of those things, what he needed were answers, explanations for why it had all gone so horribly wrong and how to keep it from happening in the future.

   “It wasn’t your fault.”

   His jaw clenched; he felt his form flicker in response. Astral projection was best when you were calm and attentive, something that was becoming more precarious by the moment. He tried to read a few more words, mouthing them in an attempt to drown out Tony’s presence.

   “It was a mistake Stephen, an accident. It wasn’t you-”

   The anger, the despair that had been bubbling up in him since Friday seemed to suddenly rush to the surface as he spun around, spitting the words, “stop it, just stop it already. It was a mistake, it was accident,” he mocked. “I know that, but they were preventable and so yes, it was all my fault and I need to keep it from happening again!”

   He turned again to face the books, breath whistling from his lips harshly as he tried to control himself. Images flashed through his mind, the blood covering his hands up to the elbow, the demands at the body in front of him to keep fucking breathing, that deep voice laughing in delight as the sorcerers tried to save their fallen comrade.

   “Stephen,” Tony’s voice was pained this time. “I understand.”

   He shook his head, refusing to acknowledge his lover, hated the gentle voice being directed toward him, the phantom touches on his body, “I’ve been where you are and I’m sorry that it happened the way that it did but what you’re doing right now, is going to get someone else killed on your next mission.”

   Something about his tone made Stephen turn again, finding Tony no longer looking at him, but gazing down at his body, fingers tracing the outline of his lips, his eyes. The touch was tender, Stephen could tell that even in his astral form, but the way he spoke was the agony of experience.

   It didn’t make him want to stop, of course it didn’t. Every instinct inside him urged him forward, to keep getting answers, to keep learning more. Yet, on occasional one could be hit with a moment of startling clarity and Stephen felt it, even as it made his stomach turn sickly at the prospect.

   He took a deep breath and let go.

   As always, the first thing he felt was the pain in his hands, aching brutally from all the work he’d put them through since that fateful mission. It bordered on excruciating, but Stephen had practice managing such a thing after all this time. The second thing he felt, was Tony’s calloused fingers on his skin, in his hair.

   He opened his eyes slowly, staring up into Tony’s warmth. His lover offered a sad little smile, “hi.”

   All of it came rushing in then. The guilt, the pain, the helplessness, it all came to the surface and this was the reason why Stephen had left his body, unable to stand the feeling of life flowing through him while knowing the man he tried to save couldn’t.

   You would think death would come easier to a doctor, to a man who had seen so much of it, even his own. The thing was, Stephen had never been able to get used to it, to accept that the life which fled under his hands were inevitable. It was why he was such a good doctor because every failure meant he needed to know more, learn more to keep it from ever happening again.

   All this time and he never learned.

   Tony gathered him into his arms, whispering, “shh, its alright, I’ve got you. You can cry, its alright.”

   Stephen buried his face in his shoulder, not even realizing there had been tears falling down his cheeks the whole time. A sob slipped from his throat and for once Stephen didn’t hold back, instead gripping Tony like it was his last day on earth and letting himself feel every violent and grief-stricken emotion.

   All the while, Tony held him, secure in his arms and so god damn patient. Comfort had never been a big feature in Stephen’s life, and he wondered every day what he did to deserve a partner like Tony, who understood not only the lowest of lows like today, but the bland moments of confusion and the high moments of victory.

   Stephen wasn’t sure how long they stayed there on the armchair, pressed against one another, but eventually the tears slowed, and he was able to pull back from Tony, exhaustion dragging him down, the lack of sleep finally making its presence known.

   It didn’t stop his eyes from drifting to the bookshelves or the urge to keep searching to well up inside him. Tony, however, was quick to pull him up and to his side, “we’re going to bed,” he murmured. “In the morning I’ll help you research whatever you need. But you need to take care of yourself first.”

   Stephen didn’t protest, letting himself be led from the room and toward the staircase, trusting Tony for the time being, with taking care of him, because right then he didn’t quite feel capable of standing on his own two legs.


End file.
